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TERRIBLE SEX TIPS: “5 Sexy, Seductive Things You Do That Make Men Want You BAD”

“If you’re serious about improving your love life, then you have to learn how to turn a guy on. The problem is that different guys get turned on by different things.” (emphasis mine)

Wait, why is this a problem? This is AWESOME. Guys are all different, and you get to explore those differences! But that line from the opening paragraph of this article tells you everything you need to know about author Sean Jameson’s pedagogical style. Vague observations cannot be argued with, but they aren’t going to get your fucking any hotter.

The author lists a few turn-ons: dominance, submission, skimpy clothes, toe-licking… “there really are hundreds of different fetishes and no end to kinky ideas.” This reads like a book report gleaned from an encyclopedia and written by a fourth-grader, which is not who I want to be getting sex tips from.

So what are those sex tips? What are those things that #yesallmen want? What does the monolith say? (Because even though different guys want different things, apparently they all want the same things, too!) Let’s take a look:

1. A Dirty Mouth

Listen: a dirty mouths needs to be calibrated to the ears that are hearing it. Jameson attempts to add nuance by specifying two approaches, located on the opposite end of the filth spectrum from each other, “trashy or super polite.” But what about everything in between, and how are you gonna figure out which way to go?

The dichotomous dirty-talk options that James lays out are NOT equivalent in weight, for most listeners; people have their preferences and tolerances, and getting at those takes care and attention. Talking about the dirty talk beforehand (oh, so meta), active listening, starting out on the shallow end and ramping your way up… these are all approaches that dirty talkers can use to find out how their partner wants to hear it. The way Jameson writes about it, you could just as well flip a coin.

2. Oral Sex, Anyone?

This pretty much goes without saying, but guys absolutely adore getting oral sex.

All of them. All the guys. They love them a good blow-job.

A huge amount of guys even prefer getting a blow job to regular sex.

[CITATION NEEDED]

So if you are truly serious about turning him on, then you should start learning some decent oral sex techniques.

OH WAIT, don’t you sell videos on doing blow jobs, Jameson? I hope they have higher production value than your sex tips.

3. Tell Him What You Like

Telling your man what you like and enjoy him doing in bed serves two purposes. It lets him know what techniques and positions get you off the most while massaging your man’s ego in a subtle way.

Hmm. Nothing against talking about what you like. That is a super good rule of thumb, or two fingers, or thumb and two fingers. Whatever. And positive reinforcement for what your partner does is the best way to get more of it. But I would like to humbly suggest that the ego should not be the main target for erotic massage. Also, see number 5 (below).

4. Take The Initiative

Your man might find it really hot when you take a little bit of control and initiate things.

That is a curiously precise measurement of control: “a little bit”. Not too much, or that might freak him out. What does “a little bit of control” look like, anyway? Pulling the comforter off the bed ahead of time so he sees how much you want it, and also that you are a good domestically inclined lady who worries about the laundry? Or maybe assuming the Spiderwoman pose, you know, all fours, ass up in the air, looking over your shoulder? Don’t actually SAY “do me”; that would be way too aggressive. Just initiate things with that ass wiggle.

5. Find Out His Kinks And Fetishes

Okay, sorry, I have to quote this whole fucking thing:

If you truly want to turn your man on in a way that no other woman can, then you need to find out his kinks and fetishes. But for guys, these are often something really personal and private. Guys are usually very nervous and shy about revealing them to anyone, so if you surprise him and directly ask him what really turns him on and what his kinks are, then he might try to dodge the question. So my first advice is to avoid asking him about them directly.

Don’t have honest questions! Sneak around the bush. Ambush him right before sex, with sideways forays! Because clearly men are incapable of dealing with this sort of directness! If you shine the headlights, he will bolt like a deer

GAH. This tells you what Jameson really thinks of his own gender. So fragile, so terrified! Gotta handle them with kid gloves! The sneaky leading questions he suggests are truly terrible:

I bet you love it when I’m dominant and in control in the bedroom.

I have a sneaking suspicion that you’d like to see me with another girl.

I bet that you’d get really turned on by doing it in public.

Can we be any more clichéd about what guys supposedly want?

As someone who has talked on the phone with hundreds and hundreds of guys about what they want in sex, I am the queen of sideways questions. I have to tiptoe around guys’ sexualities on the phone, because I CAN’T be face to face with them; I’ll never have the luxury of reading their eyes or body language. It’s my job to handle them with kid gloves because if they hang up, I lose the sale.

But if you honestly can’t sit down and ask your partner about what they really like in bed, then there are things going on that can’t be fixed by a listicle of terrible suggestions written with the entire male monolith in mind.

*****

Wading through all of the terrible sex tips out there is rough work, but someone’s got to do it. Help me take it down, one listicle at a time, by becoming a patron of mine over on Patreon!