CALL OF THE DAY: “You’re the Ann Landers of phone sex!”
(shit, I dropped my loofah) Sorry, sweetie, can you repeat that?
I took a call from my chubby chaser yesterday. He came after 15 minutes, we said Happy Thanksgiving to each other, la la laa, okay, on to the next one. I was a little surprised, after that next one, when the dispatcher called back and gave me the chubby chaser again. Ten minutes. Didn’t I just do him? “Yep, he wants another ten.”
O-kay?
I get him on the phone, and I remember how weird it is, when I get an unexpected and immediate repeat. It doesn’t happen often—guys just need time to reload, right?—but when it does, it’s weird. It’s like, hi, we don’t need to go through all the pleasantries again, because we just did that 30 minutes ago, but we still need to be pleasant, so what’s up? With this guy, I opt for the casual business-like check-in approach:
Didn’t expect to hear from you again so soon, sweetie! Was there something else you wanted to talk with me about?
“Yeah, so I thought I had asked you about this before, but would you ever be interested in doing a call with my girlfriend on the phone with me? I’d pay extra.”
[bracing myself] Is that about to happen now?
“No, no, I just wanted to ask about it ahead of time.”
Oh! Uh… I don’t remember if you asked. I’d be into it, but only [and here’s where I got really stern] if she actually wanted it. I’ve done a couple of calls with guys who were obviously pressuring their wife or girlfriend into it, and I just ended up feeling really sleazy and that’s…
“Of course, no, absolutely! I totally know what you’re talking about! No, I’d only bring her on the phone if she was really down.”
Bearing in mind that this is the fellow who told me two weeks ago that he would rather be on the phone with me and our fantasies than with his girlfriend, I am skeptical. But I keep my questions and comments gentle, and some sort of story emerges, a story that has nothing to do with what I imagined about them. She is on heavy anti-depressants, which tend to kill the libido. They haven’t had sex in 8 months. He loves her, but he has needs, too.
Is she going to therapy? I ask.
“Yes, and she’s supposed to be seeing a doctor next week about the meds,” he said. “She’s gonna tell him about the side effects.”
Good. And, you know, about bringing her on call… has she ever expressed interest in other women?
“Yes! She’s been with a few women before, a long time ago. And back before she went on the medications, and we were talking about our fantasies, she said that she’d do it again. And I told her about you, too!”
I close my eyes and sigh inaudibly. There are very few guys I can imagine pulling that conversation off with aplomb, and this caller, in all of his puppy-dog excitability, is not one of them. What did she say?
“Oh, she said you sounded nice! But that was a while ago.”
Right, I said. So why don’t you wait and see what the doctors can help her with, give her time to pull out of it and stabilize. And then, once you guys are having some kind of regular sex life again, maybe try another conversation about fantasies, and if she says she’d be down, you can call and we can all three just talk for a bit, no pressure for sex, just talk. All the threesomes that I’ve ever been in have involved a LOT of talking beforehand.
“Of course, that’s a good idea. We should take it slow.”
Yes. Because the one thing I don’t want is for you to try to use ME as a way to fix something about your relationship. That’s not going to work. You and she need to get together and sort your shit out, and then you can bring me in when you’re ready to take it to the next level.
“Right, right, absolutely!”
I look at the clock; he’s still got over two minutes. It feels like we’ve been talking about this for a lot longer! So, uh, did you want to come again on this call, or just talk?
“No, just talk. You’re amazing,” he said. “You’re like the Ann Landers of phone sex!”